I genuinely enjoy Valentine’s Day. I know it’s a commercialized holiday, and it’s basically national sex day, but beyond that, it’s a VERY important holiday for me.

Valentine’s Day is the day my mother adopted me and officially brought me home, so I refer to Valentine’s Day as my 2nd birthday.

Adoption has played an interesting role in my life and identity.

According to my forever mom (that’s what I call her), I found out when I was six-years-old when I asked her where babies came from. She told me in the best way she could explain birth and pregnancy to a child, and when she was done, I asked if that’s how she had me. She responded no, because I was adopted, and proceeded to explain what adoption was as best as six-year-old me could understand.

I went through different phases of coming to grips with being adopted. I was very angry when I was younger. Honestly, I was angry all the way up to high school and a little bit in college. It wasn’t until I saw some of my peers get pregnant in high school that I understood my biological mom’s decision to put me up for adoption when she was 16.

FINDING MY ROOTS

I didn’t start looking for my biological family until 2016, when I started working with an Ifa priestess. After working with her for a couple of months, she told me to get an Ancestry DNA test so I can see where my roots are and where Africa falls in my lineage, especially since Ifa comes from Nigeria.

When I got my results back, I saw that I had 70% Nigerian in my ancestry, which really excited me at the time (remember this). After the initial excitement, I decided to start messaging people on the site that I matched with as a potentially first or second cousin. At that time, I only knew my biological mother’s first, so in my messages I included her name, where she was from, and I asked them to reply if the name rang a bell because she has a very unique name.

I messaged about 50 people and followed up if I got no response. I also got record hints of my mother, where I learned her last name and my biological grandmother’s first and last name.

During this time, I would read books about Yoruba traditions and spirituality that peaked my interest. When the authors wrote about ancestor veneration, I would acknowledge my forever family members who passed but I did not know what to say about my biological family members I never met.

Thankfully, one of the books I read, Finding Soul on the Path of the Orisa by Tobe Melora Correal, had an invocation for adoptees who did not know their lineage. I wrote it out, stuck it above my altar and would say it often.

A year later, I finally got a response from someone that knew my mom’s name, who turned out to be my half-uncle. He and I spoke and eventually met in person.

Around that time, my then-boyfriend and I were considering having kids. This was the first time I seriously considered what it would be like to be a mom. So I spoke to my friend, Melissa Danielle, who is a doula in Hawaii, about having kids one day. One of her best pieces of advice was that if I’m truly interested in having children, I should know the birth stories of the women in my biological family and their reproductive health histories.

So, I did some more digging in my genealogy research and was able to connect with one of my cousins. She and I spoke on the phone and eventually met up. I was able to ask her questions about her life, the family, and the women on her side of the family’s reproductive health history. I was able to update my GYN and physicians about my family’s health information, which was an eye-opener for all of us.

I took another break from researching my genealogy because I hit a dead end. My biological family is geographically spread out, so people lost touch, and some even stopped being on social media. There was no one else I could be connected to from that side of the family. On top of that, my then-boyfriend and I broke up, and about a year later, the Ifa priestess and I decided to no longer work together after a decade. While so many doors were closing, I couldn’t help but feel like something else was on the horizon… and I was right.

THE AWAKENING

Soon after, I saw an Instagram post from Tayannah Lee McQuillar, a renowned Hoodoo practitioner and creator of the Hoodoo Tarot deck, about a virtual class she was hosting during a Capricorn full moon. I emailed her, and I was able to attend the class.

Mind you, I have been following Tayannah’s work since 2018. I have tried to take one of her classes since 2013, so finally getting into one of her classes was a treat!

In that class, Tayannah spoke about the power of family lineage. I asked her if she had any tips for basic lineage/genealogy research, and she told me about her two-part genealogy class. The class was $209/session. It was the best money I ever spent!

During the class, she spoke about how genealogy for Americans, especially Black Americans, was different and described what I can do the next time I hit a dead end in my family research.

She even normalized the benefits of taking breaks since the research can be emotionally and energetically taxing.

When I mentioned my Ancestry journey and the fact that I had 70% Nigerian in my results, she pointed out the following:

Ancestry is best used to connect with blood relatives rather than to determine your family’s lineage. Why?

There has been a paper genocide with indigenous Americans, where the government changed a lot of indigenous folks’ ethnicities to Black, white, or mulatto to erase the indigenous people of color in this country.

So, it’s best for Americans, especially Black Americans, to do research the old fashion way: records, asking family members, and going to local municipalities for said records if you cannot find them online. 

If you want to know what records to look into consider taking her class.

What I really appreciated about taking her genealogy class is that she asked me what was my goal of researching my family lineage. I told her I eventually want to have children and shared the advice Melissa gave me.

She responded, “Okay, so your mom’s side is more important at this time. Have you tried your grandmother?”

I replied, “I did but I didn’t find anything.”

I believe she pulled up Ancestry and asked me for my grandmother’s first and last name. After a few moments, she said my grandmother’s name and another last name I never heard of until that point . When I asked where she got that last name from, she said it came up in her search and suggested I look into it.

The next day, I put the name Tayannah gave me in LinkedIn and Facebook and the same woman popped up. I messaged her on both apps to see which would get a response sooner. I did not mention who I was – I just asked if she knew my mother‘s name. When she confirmed she was my biological mother’s mother, I asked to jump on a phone call with her because explaining why I reached out would be too long to explain in a message.

When I got her on the phone, I told her who I was and we’ve been talking ever since. I wouldn’t have been able to connect with my biological grandmother without Tayannah’s class and I wouldn’t have been able to connect with any family members if I hadn’t listened to the Ifa priestess’ recommendation to do Ancestry’s DNA testing.

A LOVE NOTE

This year will be the first time I am in touch with a prominent member of my biological family for both my birthday and Valentine’s Day. I was just told adoption anniversaries are called “Gotcha Day” but I still prefer “my second birthday”.

So, Valentine’s Day isn’t just about romantic love and sex – just like spirituality isn’t just about spells, divination, or the hocus pocus we see on TV.

Sometimes both are as simple (and as complex) as exploring your roots, finding out where you come from, and allowing yourself to refine love and family.

RESOURCES

Class | Tayannah Lee McQuillar’s Genealogy Class. Reach out to Tayannah at tlmcquillar@gmail.com for information on pricing and availability.

Consultative Services | Melissa Danielle’s coaching sessions: honeybeehealthcoaching.com

Book | Finding Soul on the Path of the Orisa by Tobe Melora Correal

HIT REPLY AND LET ME KNOW

What does Valentine’s Day mean to you?

How are you celebrating?

Have you thought about exploring your genealogy?

Leave a comment below

*Originally post was published on the I Care Project Newsletter. Content has been edited to reflect website format. Some links may no longer be live.*