A few years ago, I went on a journey to explore my pleasure, and ended up becoming a pleasure coach and a sex store worker. I was super invested in it. I centered my whole personal brand around it online and offline during that time.

I facilitated group and one-on-one sessions as a pleasure coach. I also consulted customers on getting toys that would be best for their needs and provided practical solutions for everyday sex problems as a sex store employee. I also wrote about sex, pleasure, and interviewed professionals in the industry. It was a time.

There are many reasons I’m currently not in that industry (I may return one day who knows) but I learned a lot about relationships that I wanted to share so I’ll make this as short and sweet as possible:

1. Conversation is lubrication.

A customer asked one of my supervisors what enhancements (honey, pills, oils, creams, etc.) he would recommend so she could surprise her boyfriend. He asked, “What does your man like?” and she struggled to answer. After watching her hesitate, he said, “Conversation is lubrication, so communicating is part of the foreplay. This way you can know your man and how to please him.” I never forgot that and the principle goes for all parties involved.

2. Cheaters are going to cheat – toys, tricks, threesomes, or not

No matter how many toys, tricks or threesomes you engage with your partner, if they want to cheat, they will cheat. I had a customer at the shop who confessed to me that his girlfriend was scheduled to get a BBL because the girl he cheated on her with had one, so she wanted to compete because that’s what he liked.

I also had a couple at the shop who had an arrangement. The man’s girlfriend agreed to a threesome with the girl he was shopping with, but when his girlfriend changed her mind about the arrangement, they decided to see each other behind her back. 

Not all men cheat, and let’s be real, women cheat too, but to anyone who is thinking about compromising who they are sexually to keep a relationship, please don’t. The ramifications of staying in a relationship longer than you should can be more damaging than people like to admit online.

3. Sexual compatibility is important, but it’s not the end-all, be-all (or is it?)

While I haven’t been part of a pleasure/sex educator community in years, it seems like the pleasure landscape has changed on social media (or maybe my feed reflects how my interests have shifted). Back then, my feed was focused on sex, kink, and sexual liberation. 

Now I see less about sex and more about relationships, marriage, and sexual health, which is amazing. I just want to add that sexual compatibility is a key ingredient to keeping relationships and marriages together, but you have to determine how important sexual compatibility is for you in your relationship.

There are plenty of jokes in movies and TV shows about women talking about how their husbands may not be the best in bed, but they are husband material, versus the person that they had the best sex with was not husband material.

I know marriage isn’t necessarily the goal for women (or men) anymore, and the above paragraph does not describe all marriages. So, if you read this point and feel it applies to you, please keep reading. If not, head on to point #4 – no hard feelings.

I believe a person can be husband/wife material and become amazing in bed for their partner, if they aren’t already. However, both parties have to be willing to do the work and know when it may be best to move on. 

For example, I spoke to a couple where the woman had a specific kink that her boyfriend wasn’t familiar with or versed in, but was open to learning, initially. Once he got a taste of it, they both acknowledged it was enjoyable but he admitted to judging individuals who engaged in that type of kink. So, he no longer wanted to continue that particular activity. He also admitted to being frustrated that she only orgasmed with oral stimulation and complained he wasn’t getting enough sex overall. 

While she felt judged and unfulfilled, she acknowledged that he was the most stable partner she’s ever had financially and that he had shown up for her in times when she needed him, whereas other partners in the past did not – so she had to make a decision. 

What was more important, her sexual pleasure or her relationship with her partner? 

If she kept her relationship, she had to give up what she knew gave her pleasure, but she had the stability she always craved. If she left the relationship, she was not confident she would find a partner who was not only sexually compatible but also treated her well and with respect.

Her partner also had to make a decision of whether or not he should stay since he wasn’t getting fulfilled either, but also enjoyed the stability of the relationship she provided. 

The people around them encouraged them to stay together and told them life isn’t just about sex, so they could work out their issues in bed as time went on. Both felt conflicted. Ultimately, I recommended that they go to couples therapy. 

On the flip side, if you know that the sex is amazing, but the person doesn’t treat you right, are you willing to walk away and trust that someone better will come along, where you both can have great sex and a great life?

I am not saying sex should be more important than other intimacies in a relationship, and I’m not saying the opposite either.

I am advocating that each person determines what their values are in a relationship to determine what their deal breakers are; what they are willing to work on in and out of the bedroom; and when they are willing to walk away – even if it’s hard.

4. Your sexual health is more than your STD/STI panel.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs every 6 months (and every three months if you are sexually active with different people). It’s important to know your status so you and your partners know before you have sex and can make an informed decision about consenting to sex.

It is also just as important to know if you have any ailments or diagnoses that could affect your arousal. For example, I had a client who had an autoimmune condition that sometimes impacted her ability to get wet even when she was aroused, so lube became her best friend.

If you and/or your partner do not want to go to the doctor and rely on herbs alone, you may be playing Russian roulette with your health long term, and I’m not just talking from a sexual standpoint. 

If you and/or your partner don’t get regular physicals, you may have an underlying health condition you aren’t aware of, which could impact your intimacy and way of life if left untreated.

This also ties to your diet. You can go to the gym and/or get your body done, but if you aren’t eating healthy or in a way that helps your overall health, it can impact how you smell, how you taste, and how long you last (stamina is not overrated, y’all).

If you are experiencing a lot of conflict in your relationship and your go-to is sweets, especially sweets with a lot of refined sugar, it can be very challenging to keep a steady pH balance and can cause inflammation in the body.

This may not be a huge issue or talked about a lot online when it comes to sex, but I hope this brings clarity in case this is something you haven’t considered.

While this is no longer my full-time job or a huge part of my personal brand anymore, it will always be a topic that has a special place in my heart. 

I hope this post helped someone.

What point stood out to you most? 

Do you want more content around this part of my life?  If so, comment “stories” and I’ll consider doing a stories series this year if I get at least 20 “stories” comments from different people. 

Let me know below and have a great rest of your week!